Back in 2013, after I finished college, I got a job as a PR intern in regional government. During that lazy summer, or the so-called pickle season, there was not much work to do. Everybody was on vacation and there weren’t so many important events to cover. Nevertheless, I had an obligation to sit at the office, stare at a computer screen for 8 straight hours and pretend to look busy. I was soooo bored! I read books about marketing, quietly listening to new music on my headphones, hiding behind my laptop. I even started watching Game Of Thrones. I would regularly browse through 9gag, finding a hilarious meme every couple of minutes and then, uncontrollably laugh at it like a crazy person. My boss would then usually give me a strange look and ask seriously: ”What’s so funny?” I would just look down and mumble something like: ”Naah…, nothing.”
So… I needed some serious high-quality content to ponder about. I was an edgy yolo princess with a swag career and many suitors. Naturally, I started to read Cosmopolitan, Elle and similar magazines. And boy oh boy, I wasn’t disappointed. It was all so colorful and pretty and cool. Awesome recipes, interesting diys, useful budgeting tips, some odd make-up and hair tips, all that man talk… Ya know. But the more I read, I couldn’t help noticing there was an overall theme of such magazines and it wasn’t so nice.
It definitely wasn’t all that empowering to women, as it was claiming to be, but rather degrading. How do I put this? Well, it kinda portrayed women as insecure, psychotic passive-aggressive, attention-seeking betches.
A huge amount of articles are basically sponsored content. And you just don’t have quality reading there. But, if you are interested in what it’s like to be a cosmo girl, shut up and take a seat. Mama gonna teach you some lessons!
1. Thank you, Cosmo, for teaching me what is truly important in life – emojis, starbucks, judging people based on how they’re dressed, weird make-up and hair styling, Kanye’s new makeup collection, punishing your cheater boyfriend, and, yes, being a raging cockmaster!
2.Take notice! You shouldn’t wear lace clothing or floral patterns! You see, Cosmo conducted a serious scientific survey which shows that men don’t really prefer you wearing such pieces. But why, you may ask yourself. Well, according to Jean-Paul, 28 – Cause it reminds them of grandma’s table cloths and doilies?!?! Moreover, they don’t really like you wearing sneakers either, or uggs, definitely not ballet shoes. Eventually, they all agreed upon a fact that women should mostly wear 6-inch high heel shoes on a daily basis! Oh,really?!?!?! Reaaaaaally? Well, f.u., Jean-Paul, 28, if you are even a real person…
3.You should always be extra feminine, even if it means you can’t make more money than your man does. Otherwise, he just might cheat on you. It’s science, bruh! Oh, I’m sorry cause I can’t walk in high heels for your viewing pleasure, I’m sorry for being good at my job, I’m soooo sorry for doing a killer rap covers of limp bizkit while I drive. No, no I’m not!
4.If you want to take your one night stand to the next level, you should have an imaginary friend. That is, if you are stuck in a superficial relationship based on sex and you want to go serious, you need to invent an unreal friendzone guy to make your man jealous! God forbid you should sit down and talk about these issues with your partner. That’s why you have Rocco. Rocco is super hot, he is a successful manager, he skydives in his spare time, and yes, he is crazy for you! He tends to call you a lot, especially when you hang out with your guy. … ?!?!?! ….. ?!?!?!? Biyaatch, are you insane?!?!?! You don’t need Rocco, you need self-R-E-S-P-E-C-T!
5.The cheating! Oh, the cheating, so much cheating… Is he acting suspicious? He might be cheating. Does he shower a lot more and talk to you about his day? Have you considered the possibility he might be a cheater? Is he not eco-friendly? He just might easily trash your beautiful relationship. You know what you should do? Take revenge! From laxatives to putting hot pepper in his undies, they got you covered. Ooooh,…. Just staaahp!
6.The easy and unique diys. Say you’re hosting a party. You want to make an impression, be quirky and original. Why not serve your friends… Mint toothpaste chips!!! Yep, that was actually a thing, and it’s just what it sounds like. You freeze toothpaste in refrigerator, cut it in thin slices and voila! There was a disclaimer that you probably shouldn’t eat too much of it. I can’t… even… I just can’t
7.Sex tips. Aaaah, here we are. The crazy sex tips. You know ladies, men love it when you bite and slap their privates. Especially the parts when you insert a couple of fingers in their a-hole, pour beer over their face or press a fork against their butt cheeks. To show you’re a special princess, use your wet panties as a scrunchie. They will totally love you for it. Of course, if your relationship is in a rut, you know what to do. Turn off the lights and eat ice-cream in the dark with your man. If you spill it, you lick it. You may find it hard to believe, but all of these were actual tips from the almighty holy grail of female mags.
Well, there you have it. I hope this made you laugh, the way it made me. Don’t let anyone tell you what to do. You are a queen. Even if you’re usually found wearing sweatpants and a bun.